Always
by Kale
Summary: A songfic that came to mind while listening to the song "Always" by Saliva


Neon Genesis Evangelion is © Gainax/TV Tokyo.  Series distributed in the US by ADV Films.  Movies distributed by Manga Entertainment, a subsidiary of Palm Pictures

Always

By Kale

This is a songfic using the lyrics to the song "Always" by Saliva.

* * *

          After dinner, Asuka decided to watch TV in the living room. In the middle of watching a TV show, Asuka heard the sound of doors being slid open and shut. Deciding to find out what was going on, Asuka got up and walked towards her room._ Shinji better not have gone into my room._ Asuka found the door to her room was still open. _So he did go into my room, _Asuka thought, _time to find out if he did anything to my room._ Asuka walked into her room and found Shinji's SDAT lying on her bed along with a note with her name in big bold letters attached to it. He must want her to listen to something. She put the headphones on as she sat down on her bed and pressed play as she began reading the note.

I hear... a voice say, "Don't be so blind"...   
it's telling me all these things...   
that you would probably hide...   
am I... your one and only desire...   
am I the reason you breathe...   
or am I the reason you cry...   
  
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...   
I just can't live without you

          Asuka. What do you feel towards me? You call me an idiot, sometimes you hit me but yet I can't bring myself to retaliate. Other times you seemed to like me a little. Like when I saved you in the volcano or that night when you kissed me even though washed your mouth out after words.

          Asuka was beside herself with mixed emotions. On one hand, Shinji let people walk all over him and had no real ambitions. Not to mention he seemed to be a wimp. On the other hand, Shinji was extremely kind and caring about other people. If he could help someone, he would. In his Eva, the wimpy little boy became a dangerous fighter. He had the most single kills out of all the pilots.

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...   
I just can't live without you...   
  
I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't get around you...   
I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take any more...   
this life of solitude...   
I guess that I'm out the door...   
and now I'm done with you...

          I enjoy being around you despite how you treat me sometimes. There are times that I love being around you and others when I hate it. Even when I hate how you treat me sometimes, I feel more alive when I'm around you then when I'm not.

          Asuka was shocked. He actually liked being around her even though she had been nothing but a bitch to him?

I feel... like you don't want me around...   
I guess I'll pack all my things...   
I guess I'll see you around...   
Its all... been bottled up until now...   
as I walk out your door...   
all I hear is the sound...   
  
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...   
I just can't live without you...

            _You've made me feel so unwanted sometimes. You belittle me, make me feel worthless, and make me wonder why I stay around. It would be better if I were gone. Then you wouldn't have to put up with me._

            A tear came to Asuka's eyes. One again, someone was leaving her. Only this time, she hadn't figured out how she truly felt about the person.

I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't get around you...   
I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take any more...   
this life of solitude...   
I guess that I'm out the door...   
and now I'm done with you...   
  
I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
  
I left my head around your heart...   
Why would you tear my world apart...   
  
Always... always... always... always

_            I am afraid. I'm afraid of other people and what they say about me. I built walls around myself so I wouldn't have to deal with what other people say about me. This backfired on me big time. I don't know how to interact with people. I don't want to be alone but I can't let others get close to me. I was hoping you would be able to break down my defenses. I wish I could have been as strong of a person as you._

            Asuka was surprised. Despite how differently she and Shinji acted, they were actually very similar. They were both afraid of being hurt and rejected by others and so they built walls around themselves to push people away. How they pushed people away was the difference.

I see... the blood all over your hands...   
does it make you feel... more like a man...   
was it all... just a part of your plan...   
the pistol's shaking' in my hands...   
and all I hear is the sound...

_            Were you just toying with me the night before the battle against the 7th angel and the night we kissed? It sure feels that way to me. I can't take it anymore. I can never be with you. You would never want to be with me. Nobody would want to be with me. I just can't stand being alone anymore._

            Asuka listened to the song and finished reading the note carefully. He had poured out his innermost secrets to her and it sounded like he wanted to end it all. To make sure he did nothing stupid, Asuka leapt to her feet and dashed out of her room. She reached the other side of the hallway and knocked on the door that had a sign hanging on it that read "Shinji's Lovely Suite". As she waited for a response, the song continued to play. 

I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take any more...   
this life of solitude...   
I guess that I'm out the door...   
and now I'm done with you...   
  
I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
  
I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take any more...  
this life of solitude...   
I pick myself off the floor...   
and now I'm done with you...   
Always...  
Always...   
Always...

          Asuka got tired of waiting and was about to slide the door open when she heard a gunshot from inside the room. Quickly she slid the door open and rushed into the room. Her face bore a horrified look. Her eyes brimmed with tears and the tears began to slowly slide down her cheeks. She collapsed onto her knees and began sobbing into her hands. 

* * *

            Misato had been woken up by sound a gunshot and walked to the hallway that had both Shinji's and Asuka's rooms in it to investigate. She soon heard the sounds of someone sobbing coming from Shinji's room. She stopped at his door and found Asuka on her knees weeping into her hands. 

"Asuka" Misato began, "why are you crying?"

Asuka couldn't bring herself to speak and pointed her right hand, which was visibly shaking, at the scene in front of her. Misato looked up to see what Asuka was pointing at and gasped. In front of the two women, lay the motionless body of Shinji Ikari. A whole had been blown through his head with a gun. Blood soaked his sheets as it seeped out of Shinji's head and down onto the floor. Misato followed the blood trail down to the floor. Beside the puddle of blood and Shinji's right hand, was a small handgun. It wasn't just any handgun. It was **HER** handgun. Tears filled Misato's eyes and began to stream down her cheeks. Misato collapsed next to Asuka and hugged her. Asuka returned the hug and the two women wept together. 

* * *

            Shinji's funeral was held two days later. Outside in the pouring rain, everyone who knew Shinji gathered at a cemetery to say his or her final goodbyes to him. The service lasted well over two hours and eventually, everyone but Asuka and Misato left the cemetery.

            Asuka stood unmoving in the pouring rain, in front of Shinji's tombstone. The rain was soaking her but she didn't care. She read the top part of his tombstone, which read Shinji Ikari born 2001- died 2015. She then read his epitaph, May you find the happiness in heaven that you could not find on this earth. _Why Shinji? Why did you have to leave me?_ As Asuka bent down to place flowers on his grave, tears fell from her eyes. After placing the flowers on the grave, Asuka balled her fists and clenched her teeth together. She stood up and looked directly at the sky. "Why did you leave me alone Shinji? You idiot!!!" Asuka screamed at the sky as tears continued to seep out of her eyes and run down her face.

            Misato walked up behind Asuka and placed a hand on Asuka's left shoulder. "We need to get out of the rain. We should go home." Misato stated softly.

            "I'll be with you in a minute Misato" Asuka said without turning around to face Misato.

            Misato nodded and began to walk towards her car.

            Asuka looked down at Shinji's tombstone once more. Before walking away, Asuka said, "I will remember you Shinji, always."


End file.
